


The Mighty Author VS The D&D Club

by The_Doom_Dahlia



Series: ??? jughead ? has ? an ? incest ? kink ??? [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, ben's horny, dilton's doing his best, ethel's the dungeon master, jughead is a weenie, jughead's writing riverdale and he's a petty bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 15:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16915848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Doom_Dahlia/pseuds/The_Doom_Dahlia
Summary: Ethel Muggs is trying to run her D&D campaign in peace.Jughead Jones has other plans.





	The Mighty Author VS The D&D Club

“So, before you is a mighty creature of golden slime, atop a throne made of bleach white bones. They're about the size of a cow, heavier than one, and they have a single blue eye at the center of where their forehead would be. They smell like ambrosia and hope, but the bones they’re perched atop say otherwise. What do you do?”

“Can I fuck them?”

Ethel put her head in her hands, running fingers through the crimson curls before setting both palms flat on the table. “No, Ben, you can’t fuck them.”

“Why not?” Ben asked, popping the tab on some energy drink with words on it in Finnish. “They’re sentient, right? I thought you said Dilton and I could try if things were sentient and could consent.”

“Please don’t drag me into this.” Dilton said, erasing something on his character sheet very carefully. “I’m not the one who wants to fuck everything.”

“I said that you could try if it could consent and if it had the equipment. This is a mound of slime! They have slime, and an eye! You can fuck neither of those!”

“You’re oppressing me for being horny.” 

“You need to stop hanging out with Cheryl!”

Jughead glared across the way at the trio, chewing on the remains of his burger like a cow’s cud. His knuckles drummed on the surface of the table. He’d heard about the campaign from Betty, who’d apparently watched them play while out with Archie, and had felt a surge of jealousy. He was the storymaster of this fucking town, not Ethel Muggs. Finally getting irritated enough, he rose and came over to the table. “Afternoon, musketeers.”

“Hey, Jughead-Ben, I’ll let you try with the next boss if you stop trying to fuck the slime.”

“I will not bend my will to you, Muggs! The only God I listen to is the Raven Queen!”

“I didn’t know you were running a campaign. Mind if I join you?” Jughead asked.

Ethel huffed. “Yes I would. We’re ten sessions in, you can’t join us.”

“Why not?” he asked. “You only have two players.”

“Three, Valerie is sick. We have enough players, Jughead, you can’t join.”

“C’mon Ethel, you and I both know how well I’d do. I’d make the most amazing bard you could get ahold of and you have room for more people. Why don’t you want me to join?”

“She said no, back off.” Ben piped up, setting down his dice.

“No one asked for your opinion, Button.”

Dilton sighed. “Back off, Jug.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion either!”

Ethel slammed both hands down on the table as she stood up. “Okay, y’know what? You wanna know why I don’t want you to play with us? Maybe I don’t want to play a game with someone who made it look like I was a creepy serial killer in his novel! I thought we were friends, Jughead, but you made me look like an awful person!”

“You and I both know why you’re like that in the book, Ethel.”

“It was one pen! I stepped on one pen, and you throw my entire character out in the trash!”

“It was my favorite pen!” He argued.

Dilton huffed. “Jughead, we have an hour left before I have Adventure Scouts so can you get out of here so we can play you-you gargoyle!”

Jughead stood in frustrated silence for a moment as Ethel sat back down, glaring at him. Suddenly, something strange flitted across his face. Inspiration. “...fine. But you’ll regret this. I could have elevated your campaign to a higher level of understanding. You made the worst decision you’ve ever had to make today.” he hissed, finally turning away, paying for his food, and leaving.

Ethel rubbed her temples, taking a long, deep breath. “Asshole.” she muttered, then turned back to Ben. “Okay, you want to fuck the slime creature? Roll a d20 for it.”

Ben pumped his fist in excitement, rolling his dice. “Dammit. Nat 1.” he sighed. “Let me guess, the slime monster gurgles at me to say that they just want to be friends?”

“No,” Ethel said, unscrewing the cap off her water bottle. “They let you inside of them and your ‘mighty warhammer’ dissolves into a burning nothingness. The slime monster is poisonous, and pushing into it causes an acid-like reaction. You take nine damage.”

Ben’s yell of frustration could be heard from half a mile away as Jughead rode off, mind full of ways to get back at his newest enemies.


End file.
